Before even Australia I had heard this was a beautiful setting. It didn't disappoint. The place looks like a version of Byron Bay or Noosa. Safe, clean, and touristy.
Immediately on check in I was booking my first activity. Snorkeling. 4 other Germans (1 guy 3 girls traveling together) were already doing it and I made 5.
First thing I noticed was this was not a big organized tour company doing this. No waiver, a guy with a truck. That's it. Anyway after a stop at an awesome viewing point we were dressed up as seals and entered into the water at the Knysna Heads. Knysna snorkeling was a different experience to my previous snorkeling adventures. This was cold water and rocks. Plenty of not so colourful fish and starfish. It was great.
However this is where it kinda went pear shaped. In getting to know my fellow travellers I had investigated an invite they had to a braai, or well BBQ as we call it. So I managed to score an extension of the invite for myself. All I knew about the hosts was that they were a guy, 2 women, and a small child of one of them. They had just moved from Johannesburg staying in the hostel the nights before whilst finding a permanent place to live. I also got to know they had 2 cats, 2 snakes, and a tarantula spider. So I somewhat knew they were alternative.
I did my own risk assessment. The Germans had met them. It was a family wanting to be hospitable, and that was good enough for me.
The BBQ was Byo. No problems. This was the point at which I realised that they may be a bit more alternate them the Germans realised. I had gone into by food and drink for myself with the guy. It wasn't any one thing he said. But I already had doubts. I later learnt this was also the point the Germans learnt more about our hosts.
The BBQ destination was Sedgefield. Half an hour from Knysna. After the car convoy passed Sedgefield my hackles were raised. That's not good I thought. Then we turned off onto an uphill sand driveway track. It didn't help the nerves that my German driver couldn't drive the front wheel drive sedan up the hill, getting stuck a few times.
By this time I'm madly scrabbling the number plate of our hosts into a text message to my South African friend. Oh boy where was I? What sort of assessment of our hosts had the Germans done. I knew the Germans were younger and seemed somewhat naive. But really. First time I've felt compelled to send a text for safety. It's usually a girl thing when they leave off in a cab or off with a guy from a club. Not when going to a BBQ.
We get out of the car. The place was totally dark. Our hosts apologised for forgetting to leave a light on when they left. They had been moving in only today. It didn't help. Now I was sure in all our minds was the thought they were psychopathic murderers who had just moved in. The neighbours would find out tomorrow!
Anyway things were off to a bad start. The Germans weren't drinking. Our hosts didn't take that well. Made it just a bit awkward by their reaction. What were they expecting? I was already at 2 plus 2 equaled 5. My runaway imagination had moved from our hosts seething that they only had 4 body bags. I was now thinking our hosts had planned getting the Germans drunk, and in a big orgy. My addition was obviously destroying the plans totally.
The Germans also had expected we would be eating fairly quickly after settling in and starting brief conversation. They took a seat in the living area. Whilst I took the role of primary conversation creator. After all English was the Germans 2nd language, their experiences were not as extensive to interject, and they were not extroverts.
Now I don't know much about parenting but I could see their little boy did enjoy having new guests around and therefore friends to play with. Only our guests didn't see it this way as positive inquisitive nature. Only as attention seeking, which had to be disciplined out with some harsh words. Yes we had heard some stories already of our host's disagreement with the childcare system. How the workers would just solve their work demands by placing children into corners to avoid having to oversee the kids during the staff's only time to get access to television. Anyway we all learnt early it may be best to keep opinions quiet, and try to talk positive where possible.
Anyway this set the tone of conversations which flowed. We were trying to be positive and constructive whilst our hosts often ended in miserable reflection and soul destroying. Every time it got obviously too negative even one of the female hosts would pull up and request a new conversation. But this was tough in itself. As an example I tried a redirect with "how was the drive from Johannesburg?" I expected it was long, tiring, or mundane. What I got was, "we were cramped with all the stuff in the vehicle. Then we got a call from the moving company saying our furniture truck had been hijacked and our furniture was dumped on the roadside as they were only after the truck.
Anyway the ladies were now preparing the "Pap", traditional Xhosa staple made from maize, and the tomato and onion stew that accompanies it. Which meant it was time for the men to start the braai. And for that we needed wood. Which we had to collect.
I was invited to join in the search for wood. The German guy sat with his girlfriend and other friends somewhat like deers in the headlights listening to every conversation being shot down into gloom and despair. He wasn't going anywhere. They were only thinking about eating, and the escape.
Our search for wood took us to the neighbouring cottage. Which was empty! And then to another. Again empty, bar some treated timber. I was promptly told he never uses this. Being a carpenter he was aware of the chemicals these would expel. I though wasn't fully in this conversation. I was still at "Oh my there are no neighbours. Who'll hear the screams". I did look to the host. He only had a torch in his hand.
We returned with no wood. After a few profanities of awkward domestic dispute it was now his girlfriend's job as she was who knew what the mystery woodpile was. Gees it made me feel so welcome! Like the Grim Reaper at a birthday party.
Finally we soon had timber to chop. Eek! Just me outside with 2 hosts and an axe. Never lone my own safety, I was now watching how not to chop with an axe 101. I had images of blood and axe wounds.
It was already 10:30pm by the time we had fire. And told it would take only 45 minutes before the timber would be charcoal and able to be cooked on! The Germans and rest of the party were relocated to the fire for more enthralling conversation. Oh what can we talk about. Hmmm! Ok so
I'd never of guessed how they describe themselves as Pagans not hippies! And they want to fill the empty accommodations with like minded people forming a collective. Or host a festival. Open it up to backpackers! Oh... Could this get any worse... Weird me out more!
Answer yes it can! Okay time to bring out the "magic wand" collection. I shit you not. The dude had a collection of wands and crystals he used to channel energy stop things like storms and muggers. At least on this topic the Germans took over conversation interaction with interest in the wand construction. I got to sit back and roll my eyes in disbelief of the situation we were in. Okay bring on the food. Please please please.
Finally at 11:30pm were were cooking the meat! Great. Alas we were also down to my torchlight app on the iPhone. And our host's landlord made a scaring appearance with only a flashlight visible checking on the other empty places. Perhaps our hosts saw our fear and invited their landlord over. A sprightly lady of about 70. Only she didn't help the situation. She tried
Making a joke with the Germans. Now I can't say what the joke was exactly but boy didn't
The hosts realise her massive mistakes attempting apology by explaining cultural differences of the apartheid generation in humour. Let's just say in future you're on your own when telling a "Hitler and Jew" joke to Germans.
Oh she was endearing alright. After a bit more racism she gave up connecting with the Germans and proceeded to try recovering by redirecting to me, telling me our aboriginals are uglier then their coloured people. Whoa lady that's a big brush you're painting with. But why stop. Grab a shovel! Later I learnt one of the German girls had a black boyfriend not sure where. Germany I suspect. She had been fuming in shock. The landlord left thereafter. Thankfully.
Finally nearly time to eat. 12:30am. Identifying most meat was cooked we directed them to start. Leaving just I and the male host as the braai. Ah! Great what now. Oh that would be the knockout conversation. He proceeded to confirm my suspicions that he was a polygamist and both women were his girlfriends. And then went on to say about one of the German girls that if it weren't the case he had 2 ladies he would hit on her. So just after that he did tell her he was very attracted etc. Luckily she was either good enough to take the compliment and run, or was so naive about his attention and intentions. I told her my aside conversation with him later in the car.
Not surprising we ate fast. No seconds. Oh is that the time! All eyes said "RUN!". And that's what we did a little after 1am. Our driver failed us not this time on the sand track downhill.
As we made it out of earshot I had but one question for my new German friends,"so was that anything like what you expected?"
If my German friends of this night ever read this I thank you for the invite. It was our experience. An interesting night indeed. Thank you for getting me home, alive!
I didn't end up going to complete the planned Kloofing expedition that day. Instead I chose an easier tour. A tour around Knysna including Brewery Tour, Oysters, and Township Tour. Much less stressful.
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